Refractions
by ShadeShifter
Summary: A series of Supernatural drabbles and ficlets dealing with any and all of the episodes.
1. Pyromania

Title: Pyromania  
Summary: Dean was tempered in the fire that destroyed his family  
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or the pretty. If I did Dean would be shirtless more often.  
Spoilers: Pilot  
AN: This is the result of my brain not wanting to think about the finale.

Dean thinks he might be the only one who walked (_ran_) from the fire (_that irrevocably altered his life_) with something added instead of just taken away. John Winchester has his (_impossible_) quest, (_and sometimes his alcohol_), but it's not something new. It's just all that's left over after the fire burned all the light from his eyes and left nothing but shadows (_and drowning grief_) in its wake. Sam(_my, because that's always how Dean will think of him_) lost his mother and with her his one chance for the normal life (_all dreams, mirrors and illusions_) that he so craves. But Dean thinks that the fire left an ember within him. It's not the inferno from that night, but it smoulders (_resolutely, incessantly_) and he knows that it's the fire, not Dad, that tempered him, that made him strong. He knows that to John his eyes burn with that destructive flame that left John with nothing but (_icy_) vengeance. That's whyJohn can never look at him the same way he looks at Sam.


	2. Not with a bang, but a whimper

Title: Not with a bang, but a whimper  
Summary: Dean's almost died before, this isn't any different.  
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or the pretty. If I did Dean would be shirtless more often.  
Spoilers: Skin, Asylum, Faith, Devil's Trap  
AN: My brain finally accepted at least part of the finale. The last scene is still in a black hole of denial.

Dean looks into the eyes of the demon (_with his father's face_). He's not entirely sure what the demon's doing (_hurts like hell_) but he knows he's dying (_again_). Dean thinks there's a (_morbid_) symmetry to it all.

He killed the creature with his face. He's reasonably sure secrets were spilled then too (_like his blood pooling on the cabin floor_). There can't be all that much left to keep inside now.

Sammy shot him. (_If there aren't any bullets does it count?_) And that thought has been rolling about in his head for months. Sometimes it helps to remember that Sam came back, and that Sam saved his life. (_Sometimes it doesn't_).

Now the creature (_with his father's face_) is trying to kill him. He wonders if this is how it ends, if this is what the universe has been driving at for the last year. (_And when did he miss the memo?_)

"Dad, don't you let it kill me," (_Dean begs_). The demon looks implacably at him through (_unearthly_) yellow eyes. "Dad, please." Because he doesn't think he'll survive another person (_he loves_) killing him like this. His only answer is an increase in the pain (_and he didn't think that was possible_). His vision fades and his senses numb and maybe this is dying. (_He should know. He's given it a few practice runs before now_).

"Stop. Stop it," he hears distantly. And it sounds like Dad, but he's not entirely sure what he's supposed to be stopping. (_He's not too sure of anything at the moment_). The next thing he's aware of is Sammy scrambling for the Colt.

But all Dean can think is that it's too late. (_They're too late_). He wonders if there'll ever be a time when it isn't. (_When they aren't_).


	3. Fractured

Title: Fractured  
Summary: Missouri thinks Dean is fractured  
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or the pretty. It all belongs to Erik Kripke.  
Spoilers: Home

Missouri can tell from the first moment she sees Dean (_and she's sensed it long before_) that he's close to falling apart. She thinks he's like a shattered mirror. The pieces have been (_painstakingly_) reassembled, but the reflection isn't the same, (_won't ever be again_). There are too many cracks. She knows that Dean (_thinks he_) doesn't need anyone, but Sam's the only thing keeping him intact. Sam makes sure (_even if he doesn't realise it_) that all those (_razor sharp_) edges don't cut flesh and don't bring blood welling to the surface. Though if Dean lost Sam she doesn't know who he'd hurt more (_himself or others_). She wonders how many more knocks Dean can take (_before not even Sam can keep him together_).


	4. Innocence

Title: Innocence  
Summary: Sam realises something about Dean  
Spoilers: Something Wicked  
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or the pretty. Kripke does.

"I wish I could have that kind of innocence," Sam says (_full of regret_).

Dean looks away then, (_like looking at Sam will open Dean up to all the things he doesn't acknowledge_). "If it means anything, sometimes I wish you could too." (_Like it's something he can't conceive of for himself_.)

And something inside Sam breaks just a little (_even if he's not sure what_). Sam thinks he's stumbled onto something big (_but it's like looking at a leaf and trying to see a tree_).

It's only hours later that Sam thinks he's beginning to realise that it's not just a childhood Dean sacrificed (_to Dad's vengeance and Sam's welfare_).


	5. Failure

Title: Failure  
Summary: Sam's success is Dean's failure.  
Spoilers: None - Pre-Series  
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or the pretty. Kripke does.

Dean watches Sam board the bus (_even if Sam doesn't see him_). He tries not to think of the fight last night (_or the ones before that_). His family is falling apart (_has been for a long time and he wasn't able to stop it_).

For as long as he can remember (_all the way back to "Now Dean, go!"_) it's been his job to look after Sammy. Everything comes second to that (_even the hunt_).

So when Sam leaves to go to college (_because their life, Dean's life, isn't good enough for him_) Dean knows that somehow he's failed.


	6. To Be Needed

Title: To Be Needed  
Summary: Dean's at loose ends when John leaves.  
Spoilers: None, pre-Pilot  
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or the pretty. Kripke does.

His dad's gone (_without a word_) and Dean isn't sure what he's supposed to do with that. He doesn't have orders and they're one of the few constants in the last 22 years. There aren't even any contingency plans for this situation. (_This isn't something he'd ever been able to conceive of_).

All Dean can think about as he sits on the end of the motel bed (_head bowed with the weight of the silence_) are all the permutations of fate and chance branching out before him. He hasn't felt this lost or alone since he was five (_and the light died with his mother's smile leaving only darkness and fear_).

Dean doesn't know how to fix this. They've been living in each other's pockets for 22 years (_until Sam, and then his father, decided that that wasn't enough_) and he's not sure what to do with all the emptiness. He can talk (_but he never really says anything_) and it doesn't fill the silence.

Dean's only had one priority his entire life and that's protecting his family. (_Not having any family to protect has left him at loose ends._) They're all vulnerable without someone to watch their backs. (_Dean's spent the last four years trying to ignore that fact_.) His father might not need him, but he knows someone who does (_and if Sam doesn't need him, Dean still needs Sam_.)


	7. Volatile

Title: Volatile  
Summary: Dean's all rusty nails and scrap metal wrapped around an explosive core  
Spoilers: None, but I figure this is set somewhere around Everybody Loves a Clown.  
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or the pretty. Kripke does.

It's taken miles and scars and long dark nights for the wilful ignorance of hero worship to fade from his eyes. Sam wonders if it would have been different if he'd seen the truth of things before and not just what he wanted to.

He can't put all of it on the selfishness of youth and they both know it, but Dean will never say anything, because Dean's all rusty nails and scrap metal wrapped around an explosive core that's just waiting for the right trigger. Sam knows that explosives are volatile and that one of these days Dean's going to implode with hate and anger and all the things he can't say and shower everything around him with shrapnel.

He thinks that, even as he stands there, bathed in the blood of his brother's perfection and failure, he'd still follow him anywhere.


	8. He Remembers

Title: He Remembers  
Summary: Most of all he remembers her turning to Sammy and saying she was sorry.  
Spoilers: Home, In My Time of Dying, Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things  
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or the pretty. Kripke does.

He remembers looking at her. The first clear image of her in over twenty years. The vague recollections of a five year old don't count and photographs have never really captured her. Most of all he remembers her turning to Sammy and saying she was sorry.

He'd tried to give Sammy everything, he really had, and when he couldn't he'd hoped it was enough anyway, that she wasn't disappointed in him. He supposes he has his answer now.

Not to mention the fact that his dad should be the one standing beside Sammy, burying his amulet in the ground of the only place that's ever meant home, even if he can't remember it.

So he stands, at a distance, waiting for Sammy to say his goodbyes. He can't look at her grave, can't speak to her like she's really there, because it's too much like cataloguing his failures to a memory he can't ever live up to.


	9. Sam Believes

Title: Sam Believes  
Summary: Sam's picked up a number of beliefs over the years, some not terribly logical, even by Winchester standards.  
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or the Pretty. If I did Dean would be shirtless more often.  
Spoilers: General ones for both seasons, but nothing too specific except for Faith and the beginning of Season 2.

Somewhere along the way Sam's picked up the belief that the universe conforms itself to Dean. The idea doesn't hold up to the scrutiny of rational thought, but he still can't quite shake it.

It may just be the single longest belief he's held since it goes all the way back to a world that held only Dean and stories of an angel named Mommy who could make everything better.

At first it was a subtle thing – Dean's uncanny sense of timing, Dean always having just enough money to get by, Dean's weapons being at hand at just the right time – but it's evolved into something with deeper roots and startling conclusions.

Dean's never been possessed, of that Sam's sure. In their business possession's to be expected. He's starting to lose count of the number of times he's been possessed. Even their father, the infallible John Winchester, had been possessed. But not Dean.

Later it became as significant as Dean dying, more than once, and coming back. The first time Sam just thought he was lucky, that Dean had been gifted with another chance, but by the second he was beginning to wonder.

So Sam believes that the universe is somehow inextricably woven into his brother, that for some reason it twists and moulds itself to Dean.

Dean won't die. It's not that Sam believes that he can't, just that he won't. Somehow, in a convoluted mess of fate, destiny and Dean, Sam's sure that if Dean were to die the universe would end.


End file.
